I Have Hidden Behind You
by makeitstay
Summary: Shilo and Nathan, and their complicated relationship. Certain events that change their relationship, interlaced with flashbacks to Shilo's childhood. Yes, it's shathan. Sweet and suggestive rather than graphic.
1. Chapter 1

Chapter One

She took a deep breath. Till her lungs hurt, and she held it in. Then slid down beneath the water, till her back rested down against the cool, smooth porcelain. She kept her eyes closed and exhaled. Under the water she could hear nothing but the bubbles rising. Deep, slow breath out. The bottom of the bath was comforting and smooth. Her hands pressed down against it, beside her smooth thighs. The back of her head rested at the other end, as smooth as her thighs, smoother even. She was running out of breath, but she didn't want to surface, not yet. When she could stand it no longer, she rose sharply to a sitting position, inhaling raggedly. Water ran over her bald head, down her cheeks and over her shoulders, as she sat up in the bath, submerged only to her navel now. She now opened her eyes, as the world came back. Her shiny brown eyes glinted in the harsh light of the bathroom. She stretched her thin white arms up and onto the sides of the bath, leaning back against the wall and languishing comforrtably in the warm water. Most of the bubbles had gone now, only a few patches remained. Not that it mattered to her. She wasn't a kid anymore, and wasn't interested too much in bubbles.

(Although her father seemed unable to see this fact.)

(For he still treated her as if she were ten years old.)

In many ways she still had a childish look about her. Owlish eyes and a small mouth, infinitely capable of expression, but often only resembling a mask. She had learned to hide her thoughts and emotions behind her face when she needed to. It wasn't good to cause problems, it wasn't nice to make anyone worry. But things had begun to change the past few years. It was harder to wear a mask. Often, she wanted to yell for no reason she could rightly name. Something was brewing inside her. A burning rage, a question that demanded an answer. It had been burning since puberty first set upon her. And since then her body had changed of course, but the biggest change in her was not a physical one.

Shilo stood up in the bath, her face expressionless, and stepped out of the tub. She heard a rapping at the door. Right on time. A look flickered across her face, the hint of a sigh. And yet there was acceptance. This was the way things were, it was the way they had to be. If things changed it would be frightening and new. She wasn't brave. She needed his protection. And yet, she still hated him sometimes, despite it.

"Shilo, it's time to get out now. Precious, you've been in there a long time."

Her father's voice from outside the door. She regarded the door, still standing naked in the centre of the room. She liked to let the water drip from her before using her towel. And she liked to scrutinise her body in the wall length mirror on the oppsoite wall from the bath.

"I know dad, I'm getting dressed now." she replied to the closed door.

She turned herself from one side to the other, sucking in her stomach and letting it out. She looked at her slight hips, her long legs. She poked her left breast, a look of interest and bewliderment upon her face. It was hard, being a girl, with only a father to care for her. She had so many questions that were difficult to ask a man. For he was not a genderless thing to her. He was her father but she also saw him as a man. And how can you ask a man things like,

"How big should my breasts be?" and

"Is this how it should look?"

She had looked up some pictures, studied some anatomy books. But these raised more questions than they answered.

She liked to have baths in this bathroom. She had a small ensuite connected to her large bedroom where she spent almost all of her time. But this bathroom was larger and had the full length mirror. It wasn't that she was vain. She was just curious.

She took her soft white towel from the hook on the wall and dried herself thoroughly. She dressed in a white lacy nightgown and pulled on long black socks. Now when she looked in the mirror, her figure was hidden from sight beneath her clothes. She wondered if that was the point of them, to hide the fact she was a grown up, that her body was no longer that of a child? The fact that most of her clothes had belonged to her mother was not news to her. In the photos and holograms around the house of Marni, Shilo had noticed that she wore the same style, if not the same garments. It had never occurred to her to question it, but lately she longed for her _own_ things. Her _own_ choices. And yet she kept quiet. It wasn't nice to make him worry. It wasn't nice to cause a fuss. Oh but how she _wanted_ to cause a fuss! And yet she bit back the anger, she bit back the questions that left a bitter taste in her mouth. Because he protected her. He was everything she had. She had to be a good girl, had to do as she was told. If she was short with him, if she raised her voice, she had to apologise. She had to take her medicine. And go to bed. And stay inside. But sometimes, in those clothes, when he looked at her, a sad, wistful look would flicker over his face. She knew it was because he was reminded of her mother.

She put on her wig. The sight of herself with no hair was nothing new to her. It did not shock or upset her. She had lost her real hair a long time ago, when she first started getting very sick and her father started trying to find her cure. But still, she wore the wig. She wanted to look pretty. Even if she never left the house, if only her father saw her. She wanted to be pretty. Doesn't everyone?

She exited the bathroom and began to make her way back to her room. Her father was waiting for her by her door, to put her to bed. As she walked towards him, she saw the familiar sadness wash across his face. His gaze remained on her face for a moment too long, and he put his arm around her, guiding her into her room. His face looked tense.

"What is it? Dad?" She knew the answer, but sometimes you ask a question to hear the answer, not because you don't know it.

"Take your medicine Shi." He planted a soft kiss on her head, noticably lingering and breating in the clean, soapy smell of her.

She gazed vacantly towards the window as he embraced her, then let her go to her bed. Her owlish eyes gazed at him from behind the plastic which surrounded her bed. Looking out, it made her room slightly distorted. But the plastic was neccessary, her father insisted. It protected her from airborne germs and cold draughts that might bring on her sickness.

Like clockwork she took the pills, had the prepared tonics which kept the bad feelings away. If she missed the routine medications her breath would become short and ragged, stabbing pains would assault her chest. She wore a grey wrist medical band to monitor her heart rate and blood pressure. It alerted her when it was time to take her pills, warned if her blood pressure rose or fell unduly. It also served as a communicator, she could talk directly to her father and receive holgram messages. Mostly, it just told her when to take her pills.

Mentally she felt so strong and adventurous. So much emotion, ideas and strength, trapped in a frail and weak body. With a bracelet that told her what to do.

* * *

She was twelve. It was early morning and was up early, waiting for daddy to come home. He worked during the night, he always had. She was used to it, and they'd developed a familiar routine. When he got home in the mornings, he would bring her her breakfast. Daddy made the best food. To help keep her healthy and strong despite her illness. For sure it was working, she felt very strong sometimes. It had to be.

Right now Shilo was lying on her stomach on her bed, her legs bent and kicking rythmically with the music on TV beside her. It was the 24 hour music channel. She liked having it on for background noise, and company, while her daddy was not home.

She was drawing on a large piece of paper with felt tip makers. She had carefully depicted a huge city, at night time, and her daddy walking along the street with a cat. (Shilo wanted a pet cat. This was her way of asking him to bring one home for her). She coloured the cat blue with an intent look of concentration playing across her soft, childish features. She didn't care _what_ colour the cat was. She would love it!

Suddenly she heard footsteps on the stairs and looked expectantly towards her door. Was he home already from work? She heard the jingling of the keys in the lock and the door opened to reveal him. He was framed in the doorway, tall and strong looking. Gentle green eyes framed with the black rims of his glasses. He smiled, his face transforming. He looked younger, and a warmth seemed to fill the room. Shilo grinned back at him, standing up on her bed and holding out her drawing for him.

"This is for you, daddy."

Nathan parted the clear shining plastic that hung around Shilo's bed. He took the drawing from her and looked at it, still smiling warmly. She was such a shiniing light in his otherwise dark and melancholy life. He moved to sit on her bed, and the small girl cuddled up to him, attaching herself like an urchin to him.

Nathan looked down at her, this small girl who was beginning to look more and more like his late wife with every day. Marni's death grew further from him, yet he was reminded of her more keenly as the daughter she left behind matured.

"Precious, are you trying to tell me something?" he asked, stroking Shilo's hair.

She grinned at him mischeiviously, tightening her grip around his chest. She looked up at him, blinking hopefully.

Nathan's smile faded a little and he became serious, "I know you want a cat, Shi. But it's a lot of responsibility. I'm not sure you're old enough."

Shilo pouted. Her lower lip trembled a little.

This was a conversation that had been repeated several times over the past few months. Shilo knew deep down, what the answer would be every time. But sometimes, you ask a question just to hear the answer, not because you don't know it.

Daddy looked tired suddenly and Shilo changed the subject - she never wanted to make him upset. "Daddy...Do I need to go to the dentist?"

"The dentist? What are you talking about?" Nathan was a little confused.

Shilo had obviously been considering this question for a while.

"Don't I need to go? Doesn't everyone?"

She'd seen it on TV. Kids and adults, they all went. It was something that everyone did. But she couldn't remember ever having gone. She was never allowed to leave the house. She barely ever left her bedroom. She never questioned it before now. But on TV, things were very different. The people on TV went to school, and had pet cats, and played outside. They didn't need a mask just to go out. She could watch the world from her balcony. Daddy could tell her stories and keep her safe. But she couldn't do the things that they did. She'd never been to the dentist. Daddy was a doctor, but not a dentist. It seemed strange there was something he could not be for her, and it worried her. If daddy couldn't do everything, but there was no one else...?

"Daddy, I might have a cavity!" Her young face was so concerned that his heart hurt a little.

"Darling, you don't have a cavity." Nathan reassured her, stroking her hand.

Shilo frowned, petulant, "How do you know?"

"Shilo, your teeth are fine. You brush them, don't you?"

Shilo grew frustrated "That's not the point. People go for checkups, I know they do! Why are you lying?!"

Nathan easily detached himself from her clinging arms and legs. She protested but he stepped back from her bed, and the plastic crinkled. She sat back on the bed and sulked.

"Shilo, this is nonsense. It's time for your medicine." said Nathan firmly, although his voice broke a little.

She looked at him, still frowning, long black hair (well, wig) framing her pale and delicate face. But daddy looked sad. It made Shilo's frustration die a little. She didn't want to make daddy look sad. She didn't want to make him stop protecting her. She pouted for a little longer. But by the time he handed her the glass of medicated water, her eyes were downcast.

"I'm sorry, daddy."

Something in him flinched at that statement although his face was a mask.

_She_ appologised to _you_?

_Oh god, Shilo...You should never apologise to me. I'm the one..._

He forced a smile and kissed her softly on the forehead.

"It's okay precious. You get some sleep,"

He retreated from her room, down the hall and to his bedroom. Time to have a few hours sleep. The sun was rising in the sky outside, but the house was dark and shadowy inside. It always was. He liked it that way. Easier to sleep during the daylight hours. He looked at the many images of Marni as he walked to his room. Shilo was all he had now. It was fine that he did what he did to her. She had to be protected. If he had protected Marni, Shilo would have a mother now and he would not be who he was. He would not be a monster. But all he could do now, was be for Shilo what he could not be for Marni. Her protector. He could protect her. And she looked more and more like her mother. That was his punishment and his prize.

How cruel he would get to see her again, more and more each day.

Yet she was further and further from him.

* * *

Nathan was sitting, slouched, in his favourite chair in the lounge room. His legs splayed before him, arms crossed over his muscular chest. He was well toned from his work, which was quite physical. Fine lines on his face that deepened when he let his lingering sadness, which haunted him constantly, show on his face. When he saw his Shilo, and smiled, the years seemed to fall away even now. Almost forty years old, sometimes he wondered how he got so old, suddenly. He didn't feel especially old most of the time. Although sometimes he felt so tired he couldn't stand it. But often when he looked in the mirror, he would wonder what had happened to him. Where was the young man that used to look back at him? Hair greying, and receeding. Yet when he looked at her...he was half his age suddenly.

Sometimes the guilt was suffocating. Guilt for what he had done to Marni. Guilt for the monster he now was. The monster that Rotti had shaped him into, or that he had willingly become?

(Assasin, murderer, monster)

And for what he did to her. Would continue to do to her. Seventeen now, not a little girl anymore. Less and less inclined to mind him, to do what he told her without asking. He saw it in her face.

(So much like her mother's face, sometimes he could almost smell her...)

He saw her questioning look now. His little girl, would always do as he said without comment. Daddy's girl, always tried to please him. But she was older now, and he tried not to notice the way she just about filled out her mother's clothes. She was thinner, gaunter than Marni had been. A little paler, nose slightly different. But from certain angles, it was like Marni was alive again.

When Nathan had been the age Shilo is now, seventeen, he'd been studying hard with lofty dreams of becoming a doctor someday. He went to a nice school, although he didn't have many friends. Most of them overlooked him there. There was a certain girl. He still remembered her name, although couldn't for the life of him recall her face. He had been attracted to her smile, her laugh, her jokes she told. But she never noticed him, not once. He tried to talk to her, one terrible day. Summoned up all his courage, rehearsed what he would say a thousand times.

"Hey, did you understand that math problem?"

He rehearsed it well enough, so it would sound as easy and casual as a normal conversation.

She looked at him like he was an insect, "What? Who are _you_, nerd? Did I say you could _speak_ to me?"

She didn't even know who he was. She didn't even know he sat in her math class every other day. She was one of the 'popular' people. He was just a nerd. With glasses. Too smart to be popular, too socially awkward to be respected. Would rather read his books than play sport.

He _never_ wanted Shilo to feel overlooked. He _never_ wanted her to feel as invisible as he had felt. He _still_ felt that way at times. The world was cruel. But Nathan would _never_ let Shilo feel like that. Shilo, go to school? Where she could have been picked on for being pale, for being too smart? No, it was better that he taught her himself. Better if she was sick. She thought she wanted friends, but she didn't know how cruel children could be. She didn't know and he had to protect her from all of it. His beautiful, perfect Shilo. His gift, and his world.


	2. Chapter 2

Chapter Two

She was in that mood again and he could tell from the moment he stepped through her door with her breakfast just like always. She was wearing the white lacy shift dress that her mother had worn so often. It had been one of Marni's favourite outfits. Shilo had that burning look in her eyes, a silent fury. Nathan had the feeling if he could touch it, it would be the sort of thing that was so hot it burned freezing cold on your flesh.

"Shi, did you take your medicine?" He covered the distance between them in long strides and set her breakfast tray down, before he picked up her grey medical bracelet from her bedside table, "Why did you take this off? I've been trying to reach you."

His voice was calm but there was an edge of panic to it. A hint of anger, even. She could tell she had worried him. It had been her intention, yet she still felt sorry for it. It's almost on the tip of her tongue to voice her apology, but she bites it back and stands up from her bed, even as he is putting the bracelet firmly back on her wrist.

"Why do you dress me in these clothes?" She asked. Her voice quavered a little, but it was strong.

Nathan secured the bracelet to her wrist, the mechanism closing with a dull click, and he softly touched her arm, "You dressed yourself, precious."

Shilo jerked her arm away from him and prodded him with a finger, "You _know_ that's not what I mean."

She's losing her nerve now, wants to stop this conversation like she always does. Wants to bite back her questions and her anger, and just keep going the way they have been. But it's different today, it has to be different, just once. Just once she can ask those things that plague her. She felt especially lonely the night before and closed off from the world. Looking at the constellations from her balcony. Usually it would make her feel happy, but it had made her want to cry with loneliness. She wanted something she couldn't quite place. Real affection, maybe. Rather than being treated like her mother's ghost. Trapped in her room, in this house, behind that plastic like a photo in an album. Preserved in the pages like a memory.

Nathan let out a ragged sigh - it had been a long night last night and he was feeling tired today. Tired of heart and mind, at least. Although he knew he would be unable to sleep .

(Oh god she looks_ just _like her today, when did that happen?)

"You dress me in my dead mother's clothes. This house is a shrine to her memory. Is that what_ I _am too-"

"No, no that's not-!" He tried to interrupt her but she shoved him backwards, silencing him, not from the force but from the shock of her acting in such a way.

She went on, "Am I a shrine to her _memory_?! Am I her _replacement _for you!?" She yelled the last part, surprised at her own daring.

Every ounce of her being is screaming at her to stop this, don't make daddy upset, don't say these things. But he is looking back at her with a tired and sad expression. He lets her say her piece. It has evidently been building for a while. Shilo stood close to him and continued her rant, her teenage angst at last finding release. The guilt would be worth it. She could handle it.

"Tell me! Tell me why you do thist to me! I'm seventeen, and I'm never allowed out! I've never even had a _friend_ before. Never been on a _date_! No one's ever _kissed_ me! You think I'm still a kid? You think I don't _want _things like that?!"

"Shilo, you are very sick." His response is soft and unconvincing.

Is that what this was all about? Teenage horomones running rampant. Nathan moved away from her and began to fix her medicine. Her communicator was beeping.

[Blood pressure warning...medicate immediately...]

He moved slowly and mechanically to fix her medicine for her, while Shilo fumed. She had the sudden compulsion to rip the plastic right down from around her bed. But she had the sense not to. She might be a raging bundle of teenage horomones, but she wasn't stupid. Wrecking her room wouldn't help matters. Even if it might feel really good. And she did hate that plastic. But he would only put it back again.

She started to feel faint, and sat on the bed, clutching at her heart. Those stabbing pains. The blood disease that keeps her from living. Her father brought her the medicine and she gulped it down, feeling relief and 'normalcy' spreading over her.

(But really what was normal? She wasn't sure she'd ever been 'normal' so how would she know?)

She breathed heavily, still sitting on her bed with her head down, staring at the empty glass in her hands. Her hands clutched at it, feeling the cool smooth glass. Routine. Always the same every day. Every day. Nothing ever changed. But _she had_!

Nathan regarded her, wondering if her rage had passed. She looked up at him with solemn acceptance. "So, am I? Am I a shrine to her?"

Her voice was empty of emotion now, deadpanned, raw.

Nathan sat down next to her and swept her into his arms, holding her close to him and breathing her in deeply. Soap and vanilla. Clean and fresh. She always smelt clean and fresh.

"You're my precious daughter. You're _everything _to me."

This was not a real answer, but Shilo knew better to go any further. She entwined her small pale hand with his large, capable one. There were other questions she had wanted to ask (yell?). But it was pointless. His soft breath warmed her cheek. He smelt like soap and cinnamon. His hand was strong in hers and she felt safe. His other hand came to rest on her knee. They sat like that a while (This was something else the people on TV seemed to fail to do, but this was something Shilo didn't want to question). Until Nathan made to get up and leave.

"Shi, I have to sleep now." His voice was soft and husky, and there was an odd urgency to it, as if his leaving was something that had to happen very quickly.

Sometimes Shilo felt a strange tugging sensation in her stomach somewhere right below her belly button. She felt it now as his hand moved ever so slightly from her knee and onto her thigh. As he turned to get up, she held tight to him - something she used to do in her youth quite frequently. Back then it would bring a smile to his face - how_ needed _it made him feel. How cute. His little Shi-Monkey. But he looked down at her and there was something akin to worry etched on his face. His pupils dilated visibly and receeded.

"No one's...ever-" She tried to say the words but they seemed to get lodged somewhere in her throat. Her eyes felt hot and tears threatened to spill out.

"Shilo..." It was a warning, not an endearment.

But he didn't move, His eyes locked with hers, saw her pleading and her sorrow.

"No one's ever kissed me..." She whispered.

* * *

His perfect angel, Shilo. Somehow, his obsession for her had grown far beyond what he had once felt for Marni. It was strange and he would seldom admit it to himself. But his driving force in his life was to protect Shilo, keep her safe, shield her from the world that is so cruel and harsh and violent. The blood on his hands would never touch her. When he did his work, he seldom realised how sadistic and twisted he would become until after the act when he would think back and often think,

_Was that me? Did I do that?_

The thing that grounded him, that stopped him from losing himself, was his Shilo.

With her sweet little smiles, and her delicate movements. She had a fascination with insects and how things worked. She wanted to know so many things about the world. Always reading books although never pestering him to buy her more. She was happy with what she got. He would have given her anything she asked him, bought her anything, within reason.. But, she never seemed to want anything. She seemed content to read her books and catch butterflies.

When had it all started to change? Had he just been too blind to see? Because, maybe there were things she had always wanted for, and he didn't know.

_I didn't know she wanted for anything. I just wanted to protect her._

She was Rapunzel in a tower, but no prince to climb her hair - it would fall off her head for one thing. Was he protecting her, or keeping her captive? No, she had to be protected, for the world was cruel. She could never leave him. She was his _world_. And he was _supposed _to be hers. She was not supposed to long for anything more.

She's looking up at him now, and he feels a longing that is less than fatherly, far less innocent and something that has been building over the past year, or had it been longer? (Surely not too much longer - he isn't _that _much of a pervert, not possible...right?) Seventeen years alone, there have been no other women. For who could love the monster he has become? Another person would only get in the way. He had to protect Shilo. He didn't have time for other women. Distractions. And he'd end up hurting them. He didn't have room or love left for anyone else. Marni's body kept preserved and displayed, their daughter kept locked away and safe. If he kept everything safe then it would stay the same. He couldn't lose anything more. He had lost too much. He had to keep everything the same, had to keep things close to him. In his brief moments of clarity perhaps he might see just briefly, the reality of the situation. But sorrow and guilt are more powerful it seems, than truth.

_Marni I am so sorry. Can you forgive me....._

-----------------

Shilo was clutching at him still, refusing to let go. He could have shaken her off if he had wanted to. He was stronger than her by far - years of poison had made her frail and gaunt. Years of being a repo man had made him strong and lithe. But her eyes were bright and so beautiful. There was a stubborness to her face that said_ I will live! I refuse to give in! _Little did she know. So little did she know....

"You-" Nathan's voice is broken and raw, "You cannot ask this of me, you-"

But he trailed off, his strong hands gripping her shoulders now. He drew her close. He could feel her heart beating against him. It was like a little bird fluttering. Her eyes are still burning brightly. He can smell her toothpaste. His hands grip her tighter, and a little sigh escapes her, sigh of fear perhaps or a sigh of expectance. Her small breasts are pressed against his chest, face turned upwards to his. Something in his mind is going to snap, but which way, he doesn't know.

Fight or flight. Give in, or resist?


	3. Chapter 3

Chapter Three

He had had these thoughts in the past, always swiftly pushed to the back of his mind, where they had festered like something alive, waiting impatiently for acknowlegement. Biding their time to be unleashed.

Times he had looked upon her and seen her mother in her face, her expressions. Her melodic voice was like a bell, clear and comforting. Just like Marni's had been.

Now and then he'd seen a hint of her mature body beneath the clothes that were slightly ill fitting. A little too baggy around her small, narrow frame to do her body real justice. At worst they caused her to resemble an eternal child, a stick figure body with a woman's face. At best, she looked like a pure and innocent beauty, unaware of her own allure. But now and then he had noted that she was in fact, a woman now and not the doll-like child she had been. He tried not to, how he did.

Those times when he would hold her tightly, drawing her body into his arms and perhaps linger too long that way than would be seen as appropriate. But really, how appropriate was it for a man who in his grief for his late wife, imprisoned his daughter, fooling himself all the while that it is what she needs. That it is for her own good, to keep her safe. In truth, it is his own selfish desire to bind her to him, now and always. She was his world, she couldn't leave him...

Shilo was more than an echo of Marni. Dear, sweet, innocent Shilo. Alive and expectant. So full of life! As she matured, more and more she challenged him to see her clearly. Not a child any longer, and so very, very beautiful. Full of emotion, questions and daring. He loved her so much it made his chest hurt at times. So much love for one person, this small and unassuming beauty with eyes that burned intently as she laughed, pouted, yelled or was sombre. How was it possible to love her so much?

------------------

_Oh god, but I love you so much. SO much._

Nathan's heart felt like it was breaking. He felt like it was being crushed in a vice. He drew nearer to her, his lips brushed hers so softly. She was trembling a little. He drew back and stroked her cheek with his hand for a moment. Large brown eyes shining at him, hopeful and timid at the same time. He moved his hand to cup her face and kissed her more strongly this time. He could still feel her heart beating crazily against his chest. He could hear his own heart pounding in his ears. He wanted to cry for this poor weak girl, trembling against him. She was so accepting, so warm and inviting. She tasted hot and eager. Her lips were soft. Warm breath from her nose tickled his face.

He drew away slightly so that their foreheads rested together, and looked at her. Guilt was trying to creep into his mind, willing him to turn and flee. He let his arms circle her loosely, drawing soft circles on her back through the light material of her dress. He could feel her flesh prickle at his touch, see the small hairs stand on end on her arms. Something had shifted in their relationship, but less than might be expected. Perhaps this was just the culimnation of many years slowly driving towards this.

She blinked at him, licking her lips. She reached up to touch his chest, stroking his shirt. Her hands were still trembling. He continued to tickle her back, but now other feelings were surging through him that had nothing to do with guilt and everything to do with longing.

"Shi..." His voice is a little hoarse, "That's enough now."

Far too quickly he let go of her and backed away from the bed. Regret was begining to stir within him. Shilo regarded him, from the bed. She looked sad. She had gotten what she wanted, but it didn't seem to help her loneliness. Not now that he was making such a hasty retreat. Had she made him sad? Should she just have stayed quiet, gone on as usual?

"Dad don't-" Shilo reached out towards him.

Nathan was already at the door, hand reaching for the door knob. He had to get away from here, because he wanted to do more than just kiss her. He paused for just a moment too long at the door. The plastic around her bed crinkled and he felt Shilo's arms circling him, holding tight in a silent plea for him not to leave.

"I'm tired Shi, please..." There was a rawness to his voice. His heart was still racing. What was he doing? What was he _thinking_?

-----------------

Cold night, empty sky. She could see her breath in the air. It was getting cooler at night now. It often rained. Shilo liked the rain, she always had. It was a good sound to fall asleep to. And to wake up to. And it smelt good. And there was something beautiful about a grey sky to her. She read books that spoke of the beauty of the sunset, the sunrise, of the brilliant blue skies. But her favourite sky was an overcast one. And rainclouds. Especially when there was lightning. It chased the bugs away, but she still thought it was beautiful.

The black sky stretched endlessly above. Shilo stood on her balcony, hands resting on the black cast iron fence. Her hands clutched at the rounded spikes that protected her from a sudden fall. She was listless tonight. She had been woken by a strange dream. She couldn't rememeber the details now that had so quickly trickled from her mind. But she found she could not drift back to sleep.

She looked up at the sky, searching for stars, but seeing none. The harsh city lights and the rain combined so that there were no stars in the sky at all. She felt so lonely. Still at least four hours until her father would return from work. Night doctor. Day father. And really, how would he abate her loneliness? Breakfast tray, words of endearment. The same as yesterday, and as tomorrow.

She felt uncomfortable, there was a rising heat under her skin. She almost thought she had a fever, but this heat was different somehow. A cold breeze blew, flicking her long hair across her face. Tiny droplets of rain were held in the breeze. It was no longer raining heavily, but there was still a lot of moisture in the air. It was cool and wet on her pallid cheeks. Tiny beads of moisture were in her hair, like dew.

She tried to remember the dream that had woken her. It had stirred some emotions deep within her that she rarely acknowledged.. Every sensation from the breeze and the cool night seemed magnified.

_I am not brave. I am not strong. But I wish he would see me. He seems to look through me. He seems to only see her._

An idea was half formed in her mind. A burning desire that had been growing for a long time. And slowly it was crystalising and becoming more urgent. She wanted to be _seen_.

---------

She moved in front of him, blocking his way to the door. His breathing was erratic, he seemed unable to meet her eyes now. She pressed herself against him, face towards his, a silent plea for him to continue.

_Please keep seeing me. Don't let me disappear behind her memory._

He pushed past her, shoving her perhaps a little harder than he would have liked. He pulled the door shut between them, although she clawed at the handle. He was locking it. She could hear it. She beat her fist on the door once, twice, but knew it was useless. She wanted to cry, but she slunk back to her bed and lay down. She felt a little light headed. Her smouldering emotions were still raging. She ran her hand over her face, it felt warm. A flash of memory of what had just occurred overtook her. She felt a violent lurch in the region below her belly button.

Of course she had wondered what it would be like. She hadn't expected it to be so...painful. Her chest hurt. She felt like she had done something terrible. She stared up at her ceiling, expressionless. Yes, she felt strong pangs of remorse and a large amount of disbelief. But more than that, she felt frustrated.


	4. Chapter 4

Chapter Four

"You can't go out, Shi, you're sick."

She had looked up at him, eight years old and petulant. This was the day he first tried to explain her sickness to her. The blood disease. She looked with longing out at the garden through the front windows. She'd pulled the heavy drapes aside to let some of the soft sunlight come through the glass.

"I can _never _go out?" Her eyes were wide with betrayal.

Nathan hugged her, "You wouldn't like it so much out there, dear. The world out there is cruel. The people are not nice."

She cuddled into his coat, he smelt like cinnamon.

"You're a nice person." She stated.

He was so tall and kind and strong. She didn't think there was anything her daddy was incapable of.

"I'm different, precious. I'm different to everyone else."

She cracked a little smile. He was wonderful, she knew that.

"I'll always protect you, Shi. I love you...so much." He sounded funny and muffled, like he had a head cold.

"I love you daddy."

She was so innocent, and so accepting. She rarely questioned her sickness again. She always believed that her father knew what was best, and would take care of her.

-----------------

He had thought seriously about convincing her she'd dreamt it. But he knew that his face would betray the truth somehow. It was afternoon and he was rested although had only managed about an hour's worth of actual sleep. As he regarded his reflection he pressed a finger to the bags under his eyes and ran a hand through his hair. What had happened seemed surreal - as if perhaps _he_ had dreamt it. Shilo was a perfect and shining girl. He felt old and tired, and knew he'd certainly looked better than he did now. Lack of sleep, frustration and guilt clouded his thoughts. He'd get a sharp jolt every now and then, remembering what he had done. It was like he'd been out drinking heavily, and every flash of his ridiculous drunken behaviour made him sick with guilt. But he'd been sober.

He had fixed her sandwiches and soup, along with a large mug of tea. His heart began to pound however as he neared her door with the tray. How horrible that he would be nervous to see the only person in the world who meant anything to him.

_God, what if she hates me?_

_....What if she _doesn't_?_

His hand was shaking as he drew the keys from his pocket.

He entered her large room. She was on her bed, not under the covers, and facing away from the door. Long black hair spread out on the pillow. He couldn't tell if she was sleeping. He walked across the room and placed the tray down on the small table, removing her untouched breakfast tray. He glanced at her again - she hadn't moved. Probably asleep. He made to leave the room.

"I hate you."

Her voice was clear although she remained facing away from him. Sorrow wrenched at his heart. If she really hated him, he would probably die. He knew she was a teenager though, prone to such statements.

_A teenager...._

Fresh pang of guilt.

He couldn't find his voice, and simply remained standing near the door with her breakfast tray in his hands. Shilo rolled over and looked at him, cheek cupped in her hand. She had a murderous look on her face. It would almost be comical if not given current circumstances.

He put the tray down and went to her, squatting by the bed to look up at her, as he often did. She looked away from him. Her wig was a little crooked. She looked adorable. He was so full of love for her.

He pulled the sheet of plastic back so that there was no barrier between them, and touched her gently on her shoulder. It would probably be better to just leave, but he couldn't ever ignore Shilo. Especially when she was upset. She had to know how important she was. His eyes were soft as he looked upon her, a wistful expression playing across his features. Pale green eyes and dark rimmed glasses. He may have been a monster to the rest of the world, but not to her. His throat was dry and constricted - he felt he couldn't speak if he had wanted to. He drew nearer to her, kissing her shoulder. She glanced at him, bright eyes burning in her pale face. A question, a challenge, a quiet fury, all in one look. Daring him to see her.

"I love you."

He said it as an assurance, to her and to himself. She regarded him, the anger draining from her face as she saw his sad and tired eyes. He moved, slowly, as if still unsure, and sat on her bed beside her, running his fingers gently over her back as he had earlier. She shivered with pleasure, and squirmed to roll onto her back so that she was looking up at him. The look she gave him was so grown up and sultry he almost did not recognise her. He gave in.

He kissed her, and his kiss was less hesitant now. And his hands clutched at her, holding her shoulders and then roaming down over her breasts and down her stomach. Then he was on top of her and losing himself. He felt like he was dying, half of sin and half of utter ecstacy. Things are said to always taste better when they're forbidden. Or just bad for you. But he loved her. He didn't realise just how much until recently. She was not a reminder of the mother who had died. She was just Shilo. And she was his Shilo, forever.

They were both short of breath, regarding one another for a moment before falling into frenzied kissing. His hand slid between her legs. Her breath caught in her throat. He expected her to pull away, to tell him to stop. But she was breathing heavily, arching her back to bring his hand closer to her.

"Is this...really what you-" He can't finish the question.

All those times he looked blankly at her, mindlessly toying with her hair, stroking the soft skin of her inner arm. She'd look at him and know he wasn't seeing her, Shilo, at all. But now he was seeing her. He was, wasn't he? He had to be. She nodded, her pupils were huge and black.

He sat back on his heels, Shilo was beneath him. His knees rested on either side of her hips. He took hold of her white shift dress and began to pull it up from her thighs. She arched backwards to help him remove it. Up over her head, she held her hair to stop her wig from going with the dress. (She wanted to look pretty - didn't everyone?) She was too expectant to be embarrassed as she lay there in only her simple black underwear.

She had such pale and creamy skin. Right now she did not resemble Marni at all. She was some ethereal creature, and he was just, the man who loved her beyond all measure. He'd been with women who wore complicated lingerie and made those pouting faces at him. Lace, garters and suspenders, fishnet stockings and nine inch stilettos. But they could not compare to how erotic Shilo managed to look in just black cotton underwear, bare feet, no makeup. Vanilla scented skin.

* * *

She never knew her father had a fine scattering of greying hair across his chest. She was running her hand across it now, back and forth. He held her tight against him. His heart was beating very fast and hard, she could feel it. Her own heart was still racing, too.

So, she was a woman now, if she was to understand the term correctly. Strangely she didn't feel any different. Just sore and a little confused. She recalled him kissing her softly and lovingly from her neck, down her body and right to her underwear. She felt that jolt again of longing. She remembered him tugging them down, hot breath. Another jolt. She remembered her face burning with heat, feet planted on the bed, knees up and looking at the top of his head. It felt funny at first. And then all that longing and lust had accumulated in what felt like an electrical current that spread all over her. It was then that she understood the strange noises that the ladies on TV made.

The actual act of lovemaking itself had been more awkward and frightening than anything. As the black spots cleared from her vision, he had kissed her deeply on the lips, and she felt the strangest sensation down there. It had hurt, but not as much as she'd been brought to believe from books. Possibly because she had been relaxed and she loved and trusted him. But it still hurt! She wasn't sure she liked this business at all.

"Shall I stop, Shi? I'm sorry, I'm so sorry."

His cheeks had been damp. So had hers.

------------------

Routine settled back to somewhat normalcy (if there is a normal when you don't know what 'normal' really is). Night doctor, day father. But something had been changed. Though guilt tormented him, gradually, he was able to convince himself that it was what she needed and wanted. Shilo could never leave now. They could be together. She may still want to go outside. But now, there was even more reason why she needed to be kept safe from the world. She was his, and he would protect her and love her, more than anything in the world. Still her eyes would burn with questions and challenge him.. Still Marni's memory lingered in the house, with her many faces watching from the walls. Perhaps nothing had really changed. He would still look upon her at times and see Marni. These brief flashes filled him with a guilt that ate at him. This was wrong, he was sure of that. In a world where morality had faded to a dull memory and religion was dead, he still knew that what they were doing was wrong on a very basic and primal level. He could put a stop to it, surely. But he didn't want to make her sad. He was weak, when it came to her.

* * *

Soft noises, murmuring. A sharp intake of breath. Clutching, clinging to him as her lithe body trembles and shakes. She's trembling all over, as if she were out in the cold. Suddenly an explosion, and more sound escapes her. Crying into him, legs wrapped around him. Oh! She's tingling all over. She understands now. Her eyes are wide, but her vision hazy. He is looking down at her, so strong looking that he makes her feel tiny. Her breathing is ragged, he falls into her, holding tightly. A soft moan against her neck.. He lies there for a few moments longer, breathing heavily. She feels light headed, and so full of love. It makes sense now. They don't speak, don't need to now. It's such a bittersweet feeling, his hot breath, her shining eyes. Right and wrong don't matter right now. She has no one else, only him.

Shilo's voice is soft but her words clear and melodic, "I didn't know I'd love you so much."

She smells like cinnamon.

* * *

She sat up, unable to hold her breath any longer. Water cascaded down over her and she sat in the bath, full of bubbles. (He still always put bubbles in.) The world was back again, back from the serenity of under the water on the bottom of the bath. She heard the door open and he smiled down at her. She responded by blowing a palmful of bubbles in his direction.

"Shi, time to get out, you've been in there a long time."

He held out her towel for her as she obediently stepped out of the bath. Her bald head glinted in the dull light. Her pale body seemed to glow. She noticed him, gazing at her body. Not in the critical way that she did. He looked utterly enamored. She felt like she was beautiful.

She wanted him to touch her and kiss her, but she remained quiet and obedient. It wasn't nice to be demanding. She had seen what it did to him, how he would look so guilty and sad. He was still in mourning after all this time, for she saw him gaze at Marni's pictures and grow sad and quiet. He abated his guilt by passing days acting as a dutiful father, speaking of Marni to her and pretending that everything was normal. But again it would happen, he'd linger too long and he'd embrace her in a way that was not fatherly. And she longed for those times he seemed to forget her mother and he seemed alive and truly affectionate with her. She took them as they came. Her shining eyes revealed nothing, small mouth pressed together in a thin line. And waited for him to kiss her. Waited to be noticed.

He moved to her and wrapped her in the towel gently. He kissed her forehead and smelt her clean fresh smell.

"Precious, time to take your medicine and go to sleep."

[end]

Want more Shathan? visit

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